A WEARY HEART
Friends, this week has been HARD.
Coming off of a great weekend filled with fantastic activities as part of our "Best of Indy" Campaign (which I will write about soon!) my heart and spirit have grown so tired.
I can't speak for Jacob, as he seems as strong as ever, but I don't feel very strong at all.
The more memories we make with Judah, the more I think about the memories I likely won't get to make with her. My heart hurts beyond hurt.
I have fought so hard to keep the peace that was so graciously given to us on the distinct Friday night we chose to carry. I KNOW God writes Judah's story, and I would LOVE to believe without fault that God will heal her, but these last days I have been too weak.
I keep seeing flashes in my mind of the delivery room. The nurses, doctors and people who will be there. I even see myself. I just can't shake the weight of death, heavy on my shoulders. The weight of heartbreak, loss, grief, and pain.
I wonder whether God is trying to prepare me for what is coming. I think to myself that maybe, the overwhelming peace he has given us, was meant to strengthen us for a time so that He could gently prepare our spirits for the loss of our beautful baby girl.
The other side of my mind, possibly the more faith filled part of me, tries to convince the rest of me that my previous thoughts are simply the enemy trying to steal the joy and peace that God has given. If he could only shake my faith, then doubt may be allowed to creep in.
I don't know where God is in the midst of this heartbreaking week. All I know is that my heart hurts beyond hurt.
I came across a song this week that absolutely destroyed me and opened up a floodgate of mourning in my spirit. You can listen here.
Every day, fierce love for my baby girl grows stronger and wells up within me. I want to challenge God and ask who could possibly love this little girl MORE than her daddy and I? We have prayed for her and have loved her even before we were expecting (heck, even before we were married). I can't help but feel like I am being cheated. No one deserves for their child to die, but WHY did I have to be the one to go through this??? Why me?
After a while, though, I come back to Earth and remember that God loved me first. And he loved Judah first. God can and will give her infinitely more than I ever could. Is God preparing my heart to lose my child? I don't know yet. What I DO know, is the last thing I need to do is blame God for Judah's condition, or the fact that she may not be able to stay here with us. The bottom line is that I believe he can still heal her. I hope, with everything I am, that he does.
When I was driving home today, I played a song that I have sung to a million and one times. It struck me like a daggar in my already bleeding heart. God is drawing me into himself. Though I am broken, I haven't completely given my child to him. I want her for me, rather than wanting his purposes in her life. Though I am depending on God more than I ever have, I am still lost. My humanity is still influencing my thinking. I am not quite home yet, and haven't fully experienced the grace that God is pulling me into.
I am trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I, as a mother, cannot fully love my beautiful Judah Kate until she is completely given to God; not just in healing but in death as well.
God is pulling my heart in his direction, trying to bring me into the most vulnerable and broken place I have ever been. So broken in fact, that a picture has flashed across my mind in which my heart is physically bleeding and Jesus is literally holding me up from behind. I never knew I could feel such depth in sorrow and mourning; and this is only the beginning.
The challenge now, I guess, is figuring out where I can find faith in uncertainity and pain. How do I allow myself to feel natural emotion while still remaining in Christ and trusting him? If you're a Christian, or even if you're not, don't buy into the lie that when "God is with you" you aren't supposed to be sad or hurt, or feel grief or mourn. That is simply not true.
At the beginning of our journey, when God took the fear and anxiety from us, I could honestly say that I was happy in the following moments, days and weeks to come. Even still, most days I am genuinely excited about the pregnancy and Judah Kate! (She is kicking now, by the way) But, what I am feeling now is not fear, or even anxiety. I know what could happen and I am not afraid of her diagnosis. Instead, I am now experiencing grief for diminishing hope and for what my life will be like without my baby girl. This is much different than what God had taken away before. Now, I just want the chance to love her, teach her things, and watch her grow up healthy and strong. I just want to keep her.
I'm sorry (not sorry) that this post is much more depressing than previous ones. This blog is a place for people to connect with us and follow our story, but it is also a place for me to vent and process life in the midst of trial. This will not be a place for happy happy happy all the time. This is the story of a real and vulnerable family in the middle of a crisis we did not choose for ourselves. For some reason though, God chose us for this. Because of his plan for us, I am hoping our vulnerabliity and openness will help someone else along in their journey as well.
Peace to you friends, and I will keep you all updated as the Lord works on me.
xoxo
Bekah
